PART I: CHILDHOOD
BOOK
I, Part 2 of 3
| BOOK I
|
| I. pt.1 |
"If, in a state of prenatal existence..." (p.15) |
| I. pt.2 |
"I must have been about twelve years old..." (p.35) |
| I. pt.3 |
"I was given my instructions..." (p.54) |
|
BOOK II
|
| II. pt.1 |
"My earliest distinct and undoubted memory..." (p.74) |
| II. pt.2 |
"Whenever she talked to me of my father..." (p.93) |
CHILDHOOD -- Page 35
I must have been about
twelve years old at the time; for after that there was
only one more visit home before the final one; and this
last but one visit was made memorable to me in various
ways. I will mention the pleasant way first. My mother
was entirely her usual self; nobody would have thought
that two or three years later she was to come home,
mentally unbalanced and physically disfigured by disease,
doomed to die, an old woman.
Her usual self she betrayed,
among other things, by the superior way in which she
at least tried to handle a serious scrape into which
I got myself soon after our arrival.
Naturally, when at home,
I spent a good deal of my time on the beach. My father
was a landsman; he had never cared for the sea except
as a feature of the landscape of Thurow. My mother,
on the other hand, had the nostalgia for the elemental
aspects of nature; she understood my passion for salt
water. I was, by that time, an expert oarsman, a bold
swimmer, and very
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 36
self-reliant. Repeatedly I had gone out
with the fishermen from a nearby fishing village; but
there was no boat of our own.
One day, in unsettled
weather, I went down to the beach very early in the
morning, hoping to be able to go out with the fishermen;
but they had left, utilizing the land-breeze which blew
during the small hours of the night. I roamed about,
scrutinizing the wreckage thrown ashore by the last
west wind; and my random walk took me away from that
part of the beach which lay in front of the house.
On a point of land far
to the north, practically on the horizon, there stood
a lighthouse; and for years it had been my ambition
to go there and to examine it. The shore between the
spot where I found myself at perhaps eight o'clock and
the lighthouse curved around a deep bay; and I had already
noticed that the distance across was no more than a
third of the distance around, when I saw a small boat
drawn up on the shingle; for the smooth, fine sand which
formed the beach in view of the house ceased about a
mile north, becoming first shingle, and finally rock.
The fishermen, I said
to myself, had gone long ago; none of the larger boats
was visible in the bay; it was most unlikely that this
little craft would be needed. The village lay another
mile or so ahead, behind the beach-crest, in a hollow
sheltered from the winds. I looked about for an isolated
hut to which this boat might belong but found none.
Had I seen one, I should have gone to ask for permission
to use the boat; as it was, I must frankly admit that
I trusted to the fact that nobody, within a radius of
miles from my father's place, had ever objected to my
using whatever I found that took my
CHILDHOOD -- Page 37
fancy; but, of course, I always returned
things. I was the "young master", son of the man who,
in England, would have been called the squire; and most
people were, if not fawning, yet friendly. I made up
my mind to use the boat. The oars were in it.
But even at that I was
careful to mark the point where it lay and the manner
in which it was secured. A large stone served as an
anchor, the boat being fastened to it by perhaps fifty
feet of rope. The position of the boat was clearly indicated
by two enormous spruces standing out from the woods
beyond the beach.
I dragged the stone down
to the boat, and by a supreme effort, lifted it into
the bows. Picking up one of the oars lying on the thwarts
I pushed myself off, surprised at the ease with which
I succeeded in doing so. Then, sitting down on the middle
thwart, I began to row across the bay, turning frequently,
to hold a straight course for the lighthouse. The day
was overcast, with a grey sky and practically no wind.
I had gone no more than
a few hundred yards when, to my complete reassurance,
I saw the tower of Thurow appearing above the trees.
Taking my bearings, I found that the lighthouse, the
place whence I had taken the boat, and the tower were
in a straight line. That fact would help me to put the
boat back where it belonged. With a will I settled down
to the task of crossing the bay.
At home, of course, nobody
knew where I had gone; but that did not worry me. Annette
was still, more or less, responsible for my safety;
but more in the sense that it was assumed I should not
do anything which would cause her anxiety or which might
expose her to inconvenient questions. When she was worried,
I was apt to laugh at her; and she would say, "Boys
will be boys,"
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 38
shedding a tear, perhaps, over my recklessness,
but always ready to condone anything I might do; it
was never very wicked. Once, at Florence, when my mother
held one of her musical afternoons, I had caused a serious
disturbance by letting a frantic cat to whose tail I
had tied pewter cups and pitchers, escape from me in
to the drawing-room of the villa where the animal, rearing
and furiously clawing at the monster she imagined to
be pursuing her, caused a commotion. But Annette bad
not been able to do anything but bend over with laughter
when she was supposed to be scolding me; the ladies,
mostly members of the Florentine aristocracy, had been
"too funny for anything". I was very fond of Annette.
It took me perhaps two
or three hours to cross the bay; and only when I had
done so did things begin to happen. No sooner was I
in line with the two points of land, the one on which
the lighthouse stood and the other south of Thurow,
than I became aware of two or three disturbing factors
at once.
The first to attract my
attention was the extraordinary rate of speed with which
I began to move: the water to both sides of the boat
was streaked and ridged with the current. The other
was that the whole point consisted of smooth, sleek
granite which offered no place for landing; the third,
that there was nobody about anywhere. It was true, for
a second I had caught sight of the lighthouse-keeper's
cottage; but bold rocks had intervened at once; and
I knew that I was out of sight of anyone who might have
come to the rescue.
Besides, I found myself
in a narrows. There were rocky islands to the west.
The current was setting straight north; and in the immediate
proximity of the land, to my left, it was running with
terrifying force. A glance over
CHILDHOOD -- Page 39
my shoulder showed me that the current
would at least sweep me clear of the rocky islands,
which served to explain the speed of the current.
I was now thoroughly alarmed;
but I kept my head cool. The presence of the rocky islands
and of the current running between them explained why
it should have been found necessary to place the lighthouse
where it stood. Every now and then I had a vision of
being swept out, through the Sound, into the Kattegat
and, through the Skagerrak into the North Sea or the
Atlantic, whence the Gulf Stream might take me into
the Arctic Ocean. But behind the islets there were seemingly
quiet backwaters. I began to manoeuvre to get into them;
and suddenly I felt the boat being caught in the backwash
and irresistibly carried south, straight towards the
rocks. But just before I expected the impact, the current
turned again, sweeping me sideways, and then north again.
There was half a minute during which the boat was in
a spin, pivoting about a point below my seat on the
mid thwart.
And then came relief.
If the boat fought the current, the current also fought
the boat; and presently it cast it forth, spewed it
out as it were, into comparatively quiet water between
land and mid-channel. I saw two steamers, one standing
in, one out; and that, too, reassured me: I was on one
of the main traffic lanes of the Baltic; if worse came
to worst, I should be picked up. The lighthouse was
still close at hand, too; I was not yet headed for the
Kattegat.
Once more I settled down
to a steady spell of rowing; and soon I convinced myself
that here, outside of the islands, I was making progress
southward. I could not see the tower of Thurow; and
a strong current still held me back; but with every
stroke of the oars the lighthouse
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 40
seemed to move an inch or two north,
a fact I could verify against the forest beyond. I pulled
and pulled; and soon I found that, the farther I held
to the west, outward, the better my progress; from which
I inferred that the current was strongest inland, along
the line which joined the two points of the bay.
I held southward for perhaps
an hour before I turned east. By that time I was clear
of the chaos of islets. Before I did turn, I rested
for a few minutes. Though I was getting very tired,
I was still far from the point of exhaustion.
And then, with a supreme
effort, I pulled straight east, rowing as hard as I
could. I was rewarded, for shortly, by signs which I
could not have specified, I knew that the water in which
I was, was that of the bay. At last I could rest without
losing my southing.
I had no way to make sure
of the time, for there was no sun. My watch I had left
at home, as I always did when I went rambling. But the
clock of my stomach told me that lunch-time was past.
At that my conscience smote me; if Annette did not matter,
my mother did.
I went at it again and
pulled now for the line joining lighthouse and tower;
for to my great joy the tower had come into sight again.
Then I held to that line; and after hours of endeavour
I recognized the two trees which were my landmark for
the anchoring place of the boat. Before I reached it,
a wind sprang up, and a squall hit me with drenching
rain. But the wind helped; wind and waves now drove
me shoreward; and to my infinite relief I at last touched
bottom.
I pulled the boat up on
the shingle beach as far as I could, utilizing the lift
of every wave which came from
CHILDHOOD -- Page 41
behind. When the craft was at last clear
of the water, I beached the anchor stone and dragged
it up as far as the rope allowed.
Then I struck for home,
now walking, now running. I approached the house via
the lawns, but took care not to expose myself to the
view from the windows. I need not have troubled; nobody
was watching for me on this side.
I reached the terrace
and made for the great door which was panelled with
glass. Inside the door were the cloak-rooms and, beyond,
another glass door. Through these two doors I commanded
a view of the hall to the great fireplace where a huge
fire was roaring up the chimney; and there, in a deep
arm-chair, my mother was quietly sitting and reading
a yellow, paper-bound, French book. She did not look
worried.
I gave a caper of satisfaction;
but I was wet through and did not care to show myself
to her in that state. I made up my mind not to say a
word to anyone about where I had been and what dangers
I had lived through. Why scare the women, if only ex-post-facto?
I circled the house, entered
by the back-door, ran up the service stairs, and made
for the tower. Annette was just coming from my room.
At sight of me she stopped
dead and burst into tears.
"Cry-baby!" I said and
brushed past her.
I quickly changed clothes
from head to foot, leaving my wet things strewn over
the floor to serve Annette right.
Then, my watch-chain coquettishly
draped over my chest, I jauntily descended into the
hail, greeting my mother in the most casual way, and
went and kissed her.
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 42
"Whence this demonstrativeness
?" she asked, smiling at me.
"Oh!" I said airily, "just
so"; threw myself down in a chair opposite hers, and
added, "Tell me a story," to disguise the fact that
I might have told a story myself.
The sequel came the next
day.
It was threshing-time;
and there was a new steam-engine on the place, together
with a threshing machine. So far, threshing had been
done by horse-power, a team being hitched to a pole
and driven in a circle.
Naturally, every male
on the place, including myself, was in the field where
the puffing monster was at work. My father was there,
too, on horseback, and with him were a number of our
neighbours, several of them being titled people. All
the "volunteers", as the young apprentices in management
were called, were also there: it was quite an imposing
cavalcade.
The threshing machine
spewed the straw high up into the air whence it fell
like rain, forming a shapeless stack, the finer chaff
drifting away on the breeze.
It was a marvellous midsummer
day following a fierce wind-storm that had blown overnight,
pelting and washing the world with streams of rain.
That was the reason why threshing had not started till
after lunch. Around the ever-growing straw-stack scores
of children from the village were playing wildly. I
was sitting on the ground, profoundly impressed with
the miracle of the puffing engine.
It must have been five
o'clock when I saw Annette coming across the field.
The humpbacked "inspector", mounted on a pony, to whom
she spoke, broke rank a moment later and came galloping
across to where I sat. This inspector always amused
me. He was very long-
CHILDHOOD -- Page 43
legged; but his upper body was short,
consisting as it did of two spheres, the larger his
body, with the smaller, his head, balanced above it;
for he exhibited the rare phenomenon of a man with two
humps, one in front and one behind; he could rest his
chin on his chest. Though he was by no means an old
man, his globular head was without a trace of hair.
I saw he was heading for
me; so I greeted him with a laugh. "Hello, Niels," or
whatever his name was.
"You're wanted at the
castle," he said in Swedish; ''your mother wants you.''
Though I never learned
to speak Swedish well, for the language of the house,
at least when my mother was at home, was English, I
understood, and jumped up to join Annette.
"What does Mother want?"
I asked as we set out for the house.
"I don't know," she said.
"There's an ugly fellow with her, one of the fishermen
from the village. He's threatening her. That much I
made out."
My heart missed a beat;
I knew at once that it must be something to do with
the boat. "See you later," I said to Annette and broke
into a run.
When I reached the house,
I made at once for the hall. My mother was sitting in
her favourite arm-chair; and opposite her stood a short,
grim man with white hair- on which reposed a sou'wester
without a neck-guard, which had been torn off- and a
dirty-white fanbeard stained below the chin with tobacco.
His attitude was anything but respectful; and as I entered,
he was spitting into the fireplace.
From the dining-room a
trim maid was wheeling the tea-wagon in, with all the
paraphernalia of afternoon tea.
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 44
"Sit down, Mr. Sterner,"
I heard my mother say. "You'll have a cup of tea, won't
you?" Like myself, my mother spoke only a broken Swedish,
though she understood it perfectly.
"Thank you kindly, madam,"
said the stranger with the air of a lord. "I prefer
to stand. It wouldn't be fitting for the likes of me
to sit down in a place like this. As for the tea, I
didn't come for anything of the kind. I came for cold
cash."
I could have knocked his
head off for the sneering tone in which he spoke; but
one did not fight before ladies. I glared at him instead,
as much as to say, "Just come outside with me. I'll
blacken your eye for you."
"That's the young gentleman,"
he said with a baleful look, putting a world of sarcasm
into the last word. "You pay up, or I'll have the law
of him."
"Of a child?" my mother
asked mildly.
"Of the child's father,"
said the man.
"As I said, Mr. Sterner,"
replied my mother, "I'd rather spare my husband the
annoyance. And you, a lawsuit," she added, smiling.
"For I can assure you that, unless you can prove my
son to have been at fault, my husband will refuse to
compromise."
"At fault!" the old man
blustered. "He took the boat. He was seen. It wasn't
his boat, was it? We plain people call that stealing."
It was the first time
in my life that I ran up against this profound division
in the social order; but I understood it at once. This
man felt aggrieved; justly aggrieved, perhaps; and I
had no doubt that my mother had already offered to do
the fair thing by way of compensation. Nor had I any
doubt that, had I been the son of a fellow fisherman,
he would have been satisfied with anything
CHILDHOOD -- Page 45
that could be called fair. But here was
the rub: I was the squire's son; and he was itching
for a fight with the squire. As he would have said,
he had him where he wanted him. All this I saw even
before I knew of the most damaging fact which came out
in answer to the first thing I said.
"Well, I borrowed the
boat; I thought no harm."
"Borrowed the boat!" he
repeated, with the emphasis this time on the first word.
"Borrowing means returning. You stole it."
"I did return it. I put
it back exactly where I took it."
"Where is it, then, young
gentleman? Can you tell me that ?"
"If it's not where I found
it, I can't," I said.
"Found it!" he repeated
out of a vast scorn. "It was tied to a stone. That wasn't
finding."
I was getting angry, more
at his tone even than at his implications. "I never
untied it; and when I put it back, I carried the stone
up on the beach as far as the rope would let me."
"That's just what I say
you didn't. Or it would be there."
My mother who bad poured
the tea held up a cup. "You are sure you won't take
anything, Mr. Sterner?"
"Quite sure, madam. Thank
you kindly."
"Now tell me, Mr. Sterner,"
she went on evenly. "What does a boat like that cost
new?"
"That isn't the point,"
the old man prevaricated. "I need the boat, and I haven't
got it. I'm losing money."
"And you won't take less
than five hundred kroner?"
"Not an oere less."
"As I said," my mother
proceeded. "I haven't that much of my own in the house.
Will you take an order on my bank at Lund?"
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 46
"I will not, madam."
"In that case, I don't
see what I can do."
"You can send for the
master."
But I knew that that was
exactly what my mother wished to avoid; it frightened
her. I was furious but impotent.
"I'll tell you what I
will do, Mr. Sterner," my mother said. "I shall have
the cash for you by tomorrow morning at ten."
"How much now?"
"Nothing!" I cried before
my mother could answer.
He glared at me; but,
strangely, my mother confirmed what I had said, though
she did not speak fiercely. "Listen, Mr. Sterner," she
said. "You come back tomorrow morning at ten. My husband
will be at home then, too. If I don't have the full
sum, you can see him. I wouldn't now know where to send
for him."
The old man considered
for a moment, spitting again. I began to suspect that
he thought it as well himself not to let it come to
a meeting between him and my father. He was holding
my father only as a threat over my mother; and I despised
him for it. And then he showed an unexpected shrewdness.
"Very well, madam," he
said less grimly. "Where'll I go and whom'll I ask for?"
My mother smiled. "I may
not be down myself yet," she said. "Come to the back-door
and ask for Annette."
The old man nodded and
actually tipped his sou'wester as he stalked away.
"The dirty beggar!" I
cried as soon as the door had closed on his back. Then,
turning to my mother, I spoke very quickly. "It was
the wind, of course, overnight. I drew that boat up
as far as it would go; higher up than
CHILDHOOD -- Page 47
it had been. It was quite out of the
water. If the undertow was strong enough to break the
rope, that rope can't have been much good. By the way,
I'm almost sure, Mother, the boat never cost even one
hundred kroner."
"Likely not," she said.
"But you see, he may be right in what he says, that
he needs the boat for his work. He makes his living
by the boat."
"I never thought.
"I know," said my mother.
"Run along. I'm not scolding you. But I'm afraid, if
your father knew, he'd fly off."
"He'd flog me," I said.
"Let him."
"My dear boy, you'd live
through it, I suppose. But I couldn't bear it. You'll
understand one day. As I said, run along."
I did. I should have liked
to return to the scene of the threshing; but I went
to the beach instead, running. I wanted to see the broken
rope.
The beach showed all the
signs of having been swept by waves to an unusual height;
and it was covered with ridge after ridge of fresh kelp.
But there was no broken
rope; nor was there the stone to which it had been tied.
A drag-mark led from the point where it had lain to
the water's edge and beyond. Looking out over the bay,
I almost at once saw the boat, between half a mile and
a mile out, where it floated in a peculiar way, with
its nose down. It struck me that this seemed to point
to trickery.
I was on the point of
returning home to fetch help; but, in view of the threshing
there might be none but women at the house. Even Karl,
my father's valet, had been at the threshing machine.
A steam-engine to thresh grain was still enough of a
novelty to draw every male. The fat old butler, of course,
could be of no use to me.
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 48
For a moment I pondered;
then I stripped and ran out into the water. The bottom
dropped rapidly here; this was not sand but shingle
which rests at a steeper angle. Within a few yards from
shore I was beyond my depth.
I held straight for the
boat and reached it in half an hour's strenuous swimming;
there was still a swell; but it did not trouble me.
I had no difficulty in
boarding the boat, though I had to climb over the stern
which stood high out of the water. Carefully I crawled
into the bows. Sure enough, the anchor-stone was hanging
from its rope. After I had taken it around to the wider
stern, it was easy to haul it in, hand over hand, till
it came to the surface. It was not so easy to lift it
clear, with a swaying bottom below me; but I managed.
I promptly rowed back
to the shore, let the breeze partially dry me, and dressed.
Meanwhile I was thinking. My first intention had been
to go to the village and to fetch the man. On second
thought, however, I saw that I needed a witness.
It took me a minute or
so to make up my mind. The whistle which proclaimed
a stop in the threshing operations helped me to come
to a decision. I was going to get someone from the field
to come along.
Chance favoured me. The
field lay directly behind a fringe of wood. I had hardly
run through the latter, at right angles to the beach,
when I came out into a lane skirting that field; and
in that lane the "inspector" was coming from the north
at a slow gallop.
I held up my hand; and
when the man drew to a stop, I explained, speaking very
fast, what I was after.
"I'll go with you, young
Herr," he said; and he helped me to mount behind him.
CHILDHOOD -- Page 49
It was slow riding through
the woods, for there was no path. But as soon as we
were on the beach, we broke into a trot. I showed the
inspector the boat, with the oars in it, and the stone
as well.
We went north. Meanwhile
I explained what had happened at the house, and Niels
showed quick comprehension. He saw the implications
of the old man's threats. "It's nothing short of blackmail,"
he said grimly.
We reached the village,
a few hundred yards inland, hidden and sheltered by
the crest of the beach. It lay just outside my father's
domain; and I, having never been there, was appalled
at the signs of poverty which I saw.
But the inspector said,
in a tone which brooked no contradiction, "Better let
me speak for you."
The first hut we came
to was Sterner's; and an old woman came to the door
as the inspector shouted, "Hello, there!" Seeing us,
she promptly turned back; and a moment later her husband
appeared.
"Well?" he asked, "Bringing
the money ?"
"Much money you're going
to get!" Niels said scornfully. "Be glad if I don't
put you behind iron bars. Come along. We've something
to show you."
"I want my money," the
old man replied. "I'm not going to go with you."
"You'd better. If you
don't, I'll have to have the police in. It's your last
chance to settle this peacefully."
The old man looked frightened.
He scratched his ear; and then he fell into step. I
should have felt sorry for him had I not by this time
been convinced that the whole thing had been a trick.
Strangely, without being very clear about it in my mind,
I resented most that the relation between my father
and my mother should have been so
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 50
well known as to make it possible for
the old man to take advantage of it.
Niels I half admired;
and half I despised him for siding so absolutely with
his employers.
We reached the boat.
"There's your pile of
rubbish," Niels said. "If anyone offers you ten kroner
for it, you'd better jump at the chance."
"The oars alone are worth
ten kroner," said the old man sullenly.
Niels snorted. "Now listen,
my man," he went on. "Let me hear that you've bothered
either the lady of the castle again or this young gentleman,
and I'll tell you what I'll do to you. The old hag,
your woman, won't gather faggots in the woods next fall."
The old man's face fell.
It was the perquisite of the women in the fishing village
to gather their firewood for the winter from the ground
in the woods belonging to the manor. The families directly
connected with the work in nursery and farm - they lived
in a separate village owned by my father - were supplied
with more solid fuel in lieu of payment for the work
they did in felling it. There was a trained forester
on the place who supervised that part of the economy
of the estate. In rank, he stood on a par with the inspector,
who was his son-in-law.
The old man's attitude
changed abruptly to a cringing submission. "Thank you
kindly," he said. "You won't have cause. But without
a boat I'm without bread." He removed his sou'wester
and bowed to me. "Thank you kindly, young master, for
having returned the boat."
"That's nothing," I said.
"I returned it once before; and then you pushed it back
into the water yourself, dragging the stone. I borrowed
the boat and I returned
CHILDHOOD -- Page 51
it; but I mean to pay you for its hire
nevertheless." I tossed him a krone which I happened
to have in my pocket.
He bowed after us as we
rode away.
It was getting late; no
doubt Annette was worried again at my absence; and everybody
in the house was dressing for dinner.
When, at sundown, we came
to the corner of the woods behind which lay the lawns,
the inspector stopped his horse, saying, "Well, that's
that. You'd better dismount here and slip in unobserved.
No use creating talk."
"None whatever," I agreed,
jumping to the ground.
"And thank you kindly!"
The last words I spoke in the old man's manner; and
the inspector laughed.
When I reached my room,
Anne'tte was there, laying out my clothes; for, though
I was not yet allowed to sit at the dinner table, at
night, but took my meal by myself in a small room upstairs,
I was required to change.
"I want to see Mamma,"
I said.
"You'll be late."
"Doesn't matter. I've
something important to tell her."
And I ran down to the
gallery whence, without further preliminaries, I burst
into my mother's dressing-room which was not locked.
She had just been put
into her corset - an operation of which I had heard
the servants speak among themselves. She was a massive
woman, no longer slender; and it required the combined
strength of two maids to lace her up. As I burst in,
she was standing in the centre of the room, her arms
raised, her breast heaving in the endeavour to restore
circulation within her armour. Her maid stood ready
to slip her gown over her head, for which
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 52
purpose she had stepped on a chair; the
girl who had been acting as reinforcement was on the
point of leaving the room. Both gasped at this intrusion
of a male; but my mother laughed.
"Mamma!" I cried, blushing
at finding her in her state of undress. "Don't worry
over the money for that old fellow. I found his boat.
And I got the inspector to come with me as a witness.
I even paid him for having used the thing."
"Did you?" she said. "Well,
that was good. You must tell me all about it. But now
run along so I can finish."
I did. Naturally, this
was a major event in my young life. But it was shortly
followed by another.
It was only a few days
later; and threshing was not yet finished when my father,
at noon, came in late for luncheon, in riding breeches
and the cavalry gaiters which he used to wear.
"Well," he said as soon
as he had sat down. "That fool Karline got himself fired.
You know what he did?" This to my mother. "There the
machine was just running at its best, when he pitched
his fork into it, bundle and all. It went clean through
the whole works before we could stop the engine."
From the far end of the
table, my mother looked up. "Does that put an end to
the work ?"
"No. Niels thinks we can
go on. But, of course, we should make repairs overnight.
I should send to town for spare parts. Trouble is I
can spare neither horses nor man."
"Well," said my mother,
"there are my hackneys. You'd send a democrat, wouldn't
you ?"
CHILDHOOD -- Page 53
"Yes, I'd send a democrat.
It'd be all right for the hackneys...
By this time I knew, from
many signs, that my father had heard of the incident
with the boat. He had made sly remarks which had convinced
me of the fact. He had not spoken to me directly; but
he had dragged occasions in by their hair to mention
fishing boats and old, irate fishermen; he had even
gone so far as to mention the old man's name, in some
quite arbitrary connection, and to use the word "blackmail"
immediately after; like this "Oh yes, there's pretty
good fishing right along the shore. Especially for old
man Sterner. He's got a way of blackmailing the poor
fish into his nets." And whenever he had done so, he
had had a surreptitious eye on me or my mother. Yet
I inferred from his humour that the part I had played
in the adventure had raised me in his estimation. My
mother never gave a sign that she understood his allusions;
and neither did I. But some of the "volunteers" invariably
laughed.
This change in his attitude
towards me encouraged me now to say what, without it,
I should never have dared.
"I can drive the hackneys."
There was a dead silence
around the table, as if I had committed blasphemy.
"I think he can, Charles,"
my mother said at last.
"Well-l-l. I'd thought
of it. I'd like to see him drag a boat up on the beach,
though, before I trust him. But perhaps you've done
that, too, sir ?"
"I wouldn't deny it,"
I said. "More than once. At least twice. And it was
a fishing dory at that."
"Was it?" my father asked,
looking directly at me, so that I had to blush. "Well,
it doesn't take as much
IN SEARCH OF MYSELF -- Page 54
muscular power to hold the horses' lines.
Do you know which way a horse goes when you pull on
the right?"
"I do, sir. They go where
I want them to go. I've driven the hackneys before.
And other horses. But especially the hackneys, taking
mother out. She always lets me drive when I'm along."
"Yes," he said, "but then
she serves as a sort of stone-anchor, doesn't she ?"
"Maybe. But even a stone-anchor
doesn't seem to hold a boat when it wants to run away.
And where you want to send me, there are hitching-posts."
"Right," said my father.
"If there had been a hitching-post for the boat, as
there should have been, and a chain and a lock, it wouldn't
have gone gallivanting across the bay."
With that, he dropped
the subject for the moment.
In rising from luncheon,
however, my father touched my shoulder and led the way
through the hall to the office at the rear of the house
where his consultations with inspector, factor, or lawyer
were held.
Niels was there, sitting
at the desk and making out a list from notes in his
note-book. He looked very ludicrous, for he had put
two dictionaries under, as I called it, his "sit-upon".
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